This is something I’ve written to be read
out at my funeral. As I’m still alive I’ll just use it now.

We are all here today to remember Andrew
Bird. I would love to say all the things you are supposed to say in these
circumstances like "he was always full of life and put others first” but that
wouldn’t be true. He was alright wasn’t he?

He was from Northampton, so yeah I know
probably not even worth bringing up. As an under aged drinker in the local pub
he tried to make the older men laugh. After dropping out of art collage and
working in a factory for a few years that seemed really the only option. So he
moved to London and got a job in a pub while starting out in stand up. After
years of slogging around the circuit he established himself and did many
Edinburgh shows, and wrote on various TV shows.

He got married, bought a car, a house and
had two children during the worst recession since the 20s. This pressure
fuelled his slightly moaning stressed sense of humour but ultimately
contributed to his untimely death.